My job

I work at a college dorm checking in students after midnight. It's not required of me to hate the students, but I believe that everyone should hate their customer base. These students are the future and with that in mind I'd advise you all to invest in companies that sell cheap beer or herpes remedies. A typical check-in goes like this.
Me: Can I see some ID?
Drunk and his hooker/fellow student: This is fucking gay. (shows ID)
Me: Have a good night.

Not everyone thinks the check in process is fucking gay, some of them are believe that checking-in is gay, but abstinent.

The door at the dorm operates by swiping your ID by the card reader.  Whether or not the students can handle this sober, I don't know, but when I'm on duty it mystifies many students despite having to exit and enter the building multiple times each day.  Many times there is a student seemingly trapped in the vestibule, confused and afraid.  They push the door, they pull the door, they swipe their credit card through the card reader - nothing seems to work.  They look at me desperately. Their eyes say "I'm stuck, please come over here and let me in"  But I mirror the confusion.  I wave them over "come in" I mouth.  Frustrated, they try to push and pull the door again.   They seemingly ponder if theres a third door option they can try.  Maybe this door twists open. Or maybe it's voice activated.     Maybe the card reader only accepts Visa.  They try everything.  They make a final call for help by pounding on the door at me some more.  I pretend I cant hear them - I don't want to start a dangerous precedent where I open doors for people.  I don't get paid THAT much.  Finally the student becomes resolved to just live in the vestibule from here on out.  They set up one corner for sleeping, and one as the bathroom.  Eventually another student enters whos mastered the entry process, and the poor trapped student is finally freed. "Why didnt you let me in?" they ask. "I didnt see you." I say. To which they reply "thats fucking gay"

Pregnant People

While most NPP’s are familiar with what leads to pregnancy (at least in theory) the aftermath can lead to all sorts of awkward situations.  It makes sense for the social standard to be that a man should give up his seat on a bus for a pregnant woman, but did you know that standard still applies even if the man wasn’t the one who impregnated her?  Bizarre, but true.  From a Darwinian point of view this is a stupid practice.  Not only is the woman you are assisting not spreading your genetic material, she is actively spreading that of others.  For you football fans, that would be like one football team helping another football team in some sort of football way.

                If the mother really cared so much about the health of her child, maybe she should have gotten to the bus stop earlier instead of lazily expecting society to cater to her every need.  Is this the sort of slothfulness we really want passed on to future generations anyway?  But like it or not you cannot refuse to give your seat to a pregnant woman if you appear able bodied.  If this is a considerable annoyance to you, and you live in an area dominated by fertile women, try wrapping bandages around your knee.  A fake injury is usually a good way to pass the responsibility of caring for pregnant strangers to someone less prepared.

                If you are pregnant, or an appropriately obese female, you may chose to take advantage of this social law.  For example “I’m pregnant, may I please have your seat/place in line/watch?”  The other person will usually comply.   For women who lack girth or impending children, why not consider a pregnancy suit?   Effective ones can cost up to $300, but in turn it would allow you to show up slightly later for everything and still get any seat you want.  Strangers at grocery stores would let you cut in line.  If it saves you five minutes a day, and you earn an average of $10 an hour, the suit would pay for itself in two years. 
    When encountering a pregnant person it is best to be polite or avoid them all together.  Due to hormonal changes in their body, they get a free pass to act irrationally, and you will never look good if you start an argument with a pregnant woman. The society we live in rewards people who have unprotected sex, despite teaching the opposite in schools. In conclusion pregnant people are gross.

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