Caught in the Rain

Got caught in the rain today.  It was fun, but my entire shirt got soaked except the area right under the armpit.  It was basically the opposite of a job interview. 

I used to be a private detective

The work was alright, but the office secret santa was pretty intense.

Fraidy Dog

My dog is not a brave dog. There is one thing in particular, which she is particularly not brave about.  This is a thing that scares her to her core, and she is never prepared for it.  Take an average day - my dog’s just chilling doing normal dog stuff, thinking dog stuff.

She is totally relaxed.  Totally carefree until you go near the cabinet where our family contains our board games.  The second she spots someone near there she freezes and stares, with every nerve on edge. 

 

She knows exactly what is in that cupboard, knows all too well of the horror it contains.  And when that door is open she is tense with fear. She knows that what game you choose can change her life.   As you pull out a game her body begins to shake, and her fight-or-flight-but-realistically-always-flight response begins to kick in.

 

When she sees the game she retreats in terror.  Her tail tucked between her unsteady legs, she finds a couch to hide under, and will stay there shaking for hours.  What game has caused this terror?  Why only the most frightening game of all time.

 

To fully understand how much my dog fears Jenga, you have to imagine yourself as a dog, and there’s a giant thunderstorm on national balloon popping day, and you got to take a bath.  And the people giving you the bath are the vet who took away your ability to reproduce and the vacuum who surely has committed similar atrocities.   That horrific scenario would only provide about a tenth of the fear my dog feels for Jenga.  And no one knows why Jenga scares her so.  And interestingly, no other board game has any effect on her whatsoever.  

 

Now trying to understand this has been difficult to me.  Why would Jenga scare my dog?  The first thought I had is that maybe the noise of it falling scares her or maybe it fell on her once.  But the game is fairly quiet.  And considering being constantly kicked hasn’t stopped her from continually running under people’s feet, it’s hard to believe a 2 ounce Jenga piece would be very damaging.  My next thought was that maybe her prior owners had somehow mentally scarred her with Jenga when she was a puppy so badly, that her fear would stick with her forever.  But it’s tough to imagine just how creative and cruel the previous owners would have to be to cause such Jenga related terror, and since they seemed like nice people, I dismissed that theory too.

 

 My next theory was that she is dumb.  She is a dog and she believes that Jenga is dangerous.  She has no logical basis for thinking this, and all the evidence to the contrary won’t change her mind because she is dumb.  

 

I held this theory for quite a while, but eventually television would show me that I was wrong.  You see, animals are naturally in tune with the paranormal according to late night Animal Planet shows and science fiction movies.   So it turns out that my dog had felt something about the Jenga, and was trying to warn us.  

 So I did a little research and it turns out the Jenga pieces come from Alder trees, which were a favored tree of the Druids.  The druid's believed the Alder tree possessed magical powers and would grow very upset if you cut them down for board games.  Rumor has it that some of the trees were cursed, so that in cutting them down, death would follow all who touched the wood.  A hidden slow death, that only a dog could see coming. 

The Next Big Thing

My latest million dollar is hand soap, for men!  Every other hygienic product out there is separated by gender.  There are separate shampoos, deodorants, body wash's, tampons, why not hand soap?  All the current hand soaps have smells like "lavender", "cucumber melon", or "estrogen berry".  We need hand soap that caters to men, and our manly insecurities in scent.  That's why I'm rolling out man soap.  We will follow the tradition in male hygiene products of making up scents that aren't really scents.  Man soap smells will arise by randomly combining biomes with weather words.
Arctic Storm
Ocean Wind
Desert Lightning
Deciduous Forest Cold Front
Are just some of the hand soap scents we will be rolling out.

Plus if you have man soap in your bathroom than women will HAVE to believe you wash your hands after you piss. 

Gatherings

Some people call them "parties" or "hang outs" but I prefer the term, "Live Action Social Networking"

It happened to me like five times today

That scary moment when you go to open a door, but at the same time someone else is opening the door from the other side - and you freak out because apparently other people use doors too.

Saint's Row 2: A Video Game - Part 1

Two doctors were standing over my bandaged body in a prison hospital. 
"He's been in this coma for 4 years," said the doctor with goatee, "But I've managed to restore him back to health."
"Wow," said the doctor who also had  a goatee, "wasn't he some sort of famous gangster that died in some sort of crazy accident."
"Yes," said Doctor Goatee the first, "He over-thugged.  Gang tattoos, rap music, drug deals, bandanas- eventually his body couldn't take it any more and he exploded from being too bad-ass.  And yes, he has committed horrible crimes, but I have taken it upon myself to heal him.  Surely we can turn him into a productive member of society."
"It looks like he's restoring consciousness," said Doctor  Duece, "Wow, four years of being out...How long do you figure it will be before he has full mental and physical functions?"
"Probably a minute, maybe a minute and a half," said Doctor Goatee, "Why don't we unravel the bandages and then leave for no reason?"
The doctors began to slowly unravel my bandages in what had to be a Twilight Zone homage.  I couldn't even tell if I was a man or a woman!
ARE YOU A MAN OR A WOMAN?  asked the game.
MAN, I replied
WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE?  asked the game.
I'M INCREDIBLY RIPPED AND HAVE AN ENGLISH ACCENT, said I.
OF COURSE YOU ARE said the game.

The doctors eventually unwrapped the bandages, they had wound around my face for no other reason then the dramatic reveal.  I was pleased to note the prison hospital had continued to dye my hair bright green during my years in the coma.  And the coma stylist was top notch!  I flexed my muscles and found I was indeed incredibly ripped.  Atrophy can bite my well toned ass.

"Hey, I'm Carlos," said Carlos on the bed next to me, "I got shanked just so I could come talk to you."
"What if they put you in a different room?" I asked.
"They did," he answered, "four times."  He lifted his shirt to reveal 5 shank wounds. "Listen you've been in a coma for 4 years after over-thugging.  Without your leadership, the Saints gang has fallen apart."
"Wow, 4 years."  I could hardly believe it, I had so many questions, what's life like now?  Is purple still considered to be the most thuggish color?  Do people still leave their keys in the ignition at all times?  The thought of losing four years of my life was so dizzying and overwhelming, I decided never to mention it again for the rest of the video game.
"I'm going to break you out of prison, I have a plan," said Carlos.
"What's the plan," I asked.
"The plan is for you to break out of prison, and for me to follow you.  And also you have to protect me," answered Carlos.
"That's a sucky plan," I replied, "will you at least help me fight the guards?"
"Very little," said Carlos, "But you do have to restart the mission if I die."
"I hate you Carlos," I said. "Also are you sure you can escape after being a shanked an hour ago?  And how'd you know I would revive today?"
"No time for plot holes," hissed Carlos, "Doctor Goatee is here."
Doctor Goatee walked in the room.  Here was the man who had taken me from the brink of death to completely recovery in only 4 years.
MISSION 1: KILL THE DOCTOR! flashed the screen. 
"You bastard!" I screamed at the doctor through teeth clenched in rage, "You should have cured me in three!"  I jumped out of the bed suprised to find that there were no medical instruments attached to me. Deftly I punched the air near the doctor.  Then I backed up a bit and punched the wall some before looking up at the ceiling and tried to punch it.  The doctor made some notes about this.  Finally I punched him right in the face.  I saw that Carlos had decided to get in a fighting stance, then cease moving completely.  Oh Carlos.  The doctor was mad, but didn't seem surprise.  He punched me right back, so I punched him again. This continued for some time.  All the while Carlos remained ready in his fighting stance.  Suddenly the doctor died.  CHECKPOINT REACHED was his epitaph.  Oh god, I had murdered a video game character.  Suddenly I was overwhelmed with grief.  He was totally innocent, and what about his video game wife, and their video game children?  What about the other sick video game people he was healing?  Carlos came up to comfort me "This may be the first time you've woken up from a four year coma to start killing people, would you like to play the tutorial?"