Two doctors were standing over my bandaged body in a prison hospital.
"He's been in this coma for 4 years," said the doctor with goatee, "But I've managed to restore him back to health."
"Wow," said the doctor who also had a goatee, "wasn't he some sort of famous gangster that died in some sort of crazy accident."
"Yes," said Doctor Goatee the first, "He over-thugged. Gang tattoos, rap music, drug deals, bandanas- eventually his body couldn't take it any more and he exploded from being too bad-ass. And yes, he has committed horrible crimes, but I have taken it upon myself to heal him. Surely we can turn him into a productive member of society."
"It looks like he's restoring consciousness," said Doctor Duece, "Wow, four years of being out...How long do you figure it will be before he has full mental and physical functions?"
"Probably a minute, maybe a minute and a half," said Doctor Goatee, "Why don't we unravel the bandages and then leave for no reason?"
The doctors began to slowly unravel my bandages in what had to be a Twilight Zone homage. I couldn't even tell if I was a man or a woman!
ARE YOU A MAN OR A WOMAN? asked the game.
MAN, I replied
WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE? asked the game.
I'M INCREDIBLY RIPPED AND HAVE AN ENGLISH ACCENT, said I.
OF COURSE YOU ARE said the game.
The doctors eventually unwrapped the bandages, they had wound around my face for no other reason then the dramatic reveal. I was pleased to note the prison hospital had continued to dye my hair bright green during my years in the coma. And the coma stylist was top notch! I flexed my muscles and found I was indeed incredibly ripped. Atrophy can bite my well toned ass.
"Hey, I'm Carlos," said Carlos on the bed next to me, "I got shanked just so I could come talk to you."
"What if they put you in a different room?" I asked.
"They did," he answered, "four times." He lifted his shirt to reveal 5 shank wounds. "Listen you've been in a coma for 4 years after over-thugging. Without your leadership, the Saints gang has fallen apart."
"Wow, 4 years." I could hardly believe it, I had so many questions, what's life like now? Is purple still considered to be the most thuggish color? Do people still leave their keys in the ignition at all times? The thought of losing four years of my life was so dizzying and overwhelming, I decided never to mention it again for the rest of the video game.
"I'm going to break you out of prison, I have a plan," said Carlos.
"What's the plan," I asked.
"The plan is for you to break out of prison, and for me to follow you. And also you have to protect me," answered Carlos.
"That's a sucky plan," I replied, "will you at least help me fight the guards?"
"Very little," said Carlos, "But you do have to restart the mission if I die."
"I hate you Carlos," I said. "Also are you sure you can escape after being a shanked an hour ago? And how'd you know I would revive today?"
"No time for plot holes," hissed Carlos, "Doctor Goatee is here."
Doctor Goatee walked in the room. Here was the man who had taken me from the brink of death to completely recovery in only 4 years.
MISSION 1: KILL THE DOCTOR! flashed the screen.
"You bastard!" I screamed at the doctor through teeth clenched in rage, "You should have cured me in three!" I jumped out of the bed suprised to find that there were no medical instruments attached to me. Deftly I punched the air near the doctor. Then I backed up a bit and punched the wall some before looking up at the ceiling and tried to punch it. The doctor made some notes about this. Finally I punched him right in the face. I saw that Carlos had decided to get in a fighting stance, then cease moving completely. Oh Carlos. The doctor was mad, but didn't seem surprise. He punched me right back, so I punched him again. This continued for some time. All the while Carlos remained ready in his fighting stance. Suddenly the doctor died. CHECKPOINT REACHED was his epitaph. Oh god, I had murdered a video game character. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with grief. He was totally innocent, and what about his video game wife, and their video game children? What about the other sick video game people he was healing? Carlos came up to comfort me "This may be the first time you've woken up from a four year coma to start killing people, would you like to play the tutorial?"
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