Naming Children

I think a good name for baby would be "Help Yourself".  At first it will seem weird, but when the kid grows up and starts working, he'll have a hell of a time keeping  people from stealing his food from the break room fridge.

Math

Nothing makes me feel better then when I hear someone make a small mathematical mistake.  I think "Wow, I am better then that person in every way possible."  Now some people may argue, hey shouldn't that read "better than" not "better then" I must be better than you in every way possible.  Whatever, it doesn't work with grammar. 

Possessions

Many people will define themselves by their possessions.  Who they are is what they have.  They're always saying
"I have a nice car"
"I have a huge TV"
"I have a beautiful wife"
And before you go on about how wives aren't possessions, keep in mind the hypothetical couple in that last example are republican.

Other people refuse to let physical objects define themselves.  They are more focused on whats inside.  They say stuff like
"I'm extremely poor"
"Which way to the bus stop?"
"Can I have some food?"

Personally I like to gear my possessions around the possibility that I might one day get amnesia.  Dazed and confused in my apartment I would find a grappling hook and night vision goggles.
"I must be a spy!" I would think, "That would explain the shitty apartment...I'm undercover!"  I like to put up fake to-do lists so that very stressful moment of 'Who am I?!' is eased by thoughts of awesomeness.

To Do:
1. Save America's Freedom
2. Send Jenkins to wash the Mercedes
3. Call Lucy Lawless back
4. Accept Nobel prize for video games
5. Know that deep within you lies the dormant spirit of an ancient creature that will one day awaken granting you untold powers and a pretty cool sword.  And while the powers and the sword may both be really cool at first, you must use them to battle an evil so great that the devil himself cowers.  It will be revealed to you that your girlfriend is really a princess, who knows some pretty cool spells that might aid in your conquest.  There will a friend of yours who will also help, and while his powers are relatively shitty, it is important to keep him around for comic relief.  Together the three of you must fight to save the world from the hellish nightmare that this foul demon would set forth.


And if I ever upgrade to photoshop from MS paint, I will probably have pictures of myself doing awesome things hanging around.

My sister

is a hipster.

Army Guys

If you're me, or someone similar, then you played with army guys as a kid.  Everyone loved army guys.  They were the little plastic people your father wouldn't scold you for playing with.  They came in two colors; Green and Different Green.  The Greens were always fighting each other, which I think is because the toy company was prepping the youth for a race war.

Army guys came in a lot of cool poses.  There was "Gun-Shooter", "Double Gun-Shooter", "Flamethrower Guy", and my personal favorite "Right-In-The-Middle-Of-Throwing-A-Grenade Guy".  He was always squad leader!  There was one pose that was just plain horrible.  Army crawl guy.  This soldier was perpetually crawling, which made playing with him pretty difficult.  I'd always have to invent wild stories as to why he was on the ground when everyone else was standing.  Like in the base before the enemy attack.

Captain Gernadey:  Why are you on the floor Johnson?
Johnson:  I lost a bullet, I think it rolled under this gigantic pencil.
Captain Gernadey:  Oh no, the different greens have attacked, quick to the perimeter!
Johnson: I'm on my way!
Captain Gernadey: Why are you crawling?
Johnson: Well its not a race.

Of course every set came with about a million of these.  I always ended up killing them first.  Captain Gernadey would often manage to take out the entire enemy army crawl squad in one shot.  Why do you think he was captain?  Of course half the other guys would end up lying on the ground too.  The ability to stand on their own was not a highlighted feature of army guys.  These guys would do battle leaning against tanks a lot of the time. Sort of a half-loitering style of combat.

My typical fights were pretty exciting.  One side would always win with a brilliant strategy.  The only one I remember well is that one green side would often launch up a guy using a tank cannon to land on a low strafing fighter jet.  The guy would hijack the fighter jet, after somehow entering the cockpit, and turn the tide of the battle.  To combat the strategy, sometimes the different green would launch their own guys up on the plane using their tanks.  An exciting battle on the wings would ensue.

I was an impressionable youngster and one day someone told me that playing war was wrong.  That I shouldn't play around by making plastic men die.   What about their plastic loved ones?  Naturally I was ashamed.  So from then on, in the battle set up stage, I would make up a story how it wasn't really war, it was just some guys playing virtual reality war.  I was pretending people were pretending to fight.  Basically the same plot you'll see in Inception 2.

I solved bigotry.

My theory is that the gradual decline of racism is fueling homophobia.  And I base my hypothesis on the underlying principle "Haters gonna' hate".  In fact, haters aren't just going to hate, they NEED to hate.  From the attitudes of our grandparents, we can tell that in the olden days it was okay to hate on anyone who wasn't a straight white male christian.  Social norms have changed and now certain bigotry can ostracize you from many social circles.  The other day I was playing online video game, when a teammate of mine said "You play like a god damn brazilian"  He meant this negatively.  This is clearly a hater clutching at straws, desperate to find a group of people he is better than.

It is clear that hating is a problem.  We can't stop it, but we can funnel it.  The ideal goal is to get people to hate each other on an individual basis, like I often do.  However, for most people, this is impractical.  Luckily, I have a solution.  First, the government should invent a country. Zarachia for example.  Next an underground campaign will be launched to make the Zarachian people hated.  Got a Polish joke? Now it's a Zarachian joke.  Got an anti-Semitic joke?  Now its a Zarachian religion joke.  Got a dead baby joke?  Now its a Zarachian dead baby joke.

Secret government officials will be introduced as Zarachian families living discretely in neighborhoods around the country.  They will have mockable accents, comedic language, and bizarre rituals no one can understand.  The government officials will try to be all the negative stereotypes more so then the present holders of those stereo types.  They will be covetous, lying thieves who cant drive.  They will  be stupid loud drunks.  Anytime the police have an unsolved crime, they will tell the public it was a Zarachian.  This should bring up some of the grass root hating that is so vital when you are trying to undermine an entire people.

By creating a group bigots of all types can hate, this should lessen the hate on real people.  Critics will say that the solution should focus on eliminating senseless hate, not misdirecting it.  Others might say anyone with a map would be able to see through the plan.  But let us think of the lightning rod.

The 1700's had a problem.  Lightning was fucking up shit.  Many inventors tried to eliminate lightning all together.  Hah, what fools.  Ben Franklin invented the lightning rod.  Or I guess you could say he found a different use for a metal stick.  Either way, the important thing is he didnt stop lightning, he misdirected it.

In regard to the "Made up country" issue, consider the venn diagram I made of Bigotrous Desires vs. Geographical Awareness.
   O   O

Computers

I'm like a nerd but without the intelligence. People will say to me "Hey, you lack social skills and fashion sense, will you help me fix my computer?"  Eager to maintain the illusion I have redeeming qualities, I comply. 
"What are your specs?"
"Describe your last megabyte."
"Wheres your RAM go when no ones looking?"
I ask hoping they don't know the answers so I can smile condescendingly.  Then I fiddle with their computer.  Pressing buttons and frowning.  "Hmm, did you mess with your settings here?" I ask accusingly pointing to a random window. 
"No, no!"
"Well I've adjusted the calibrations, if I just restart the computer it should work now."  Then I just pray a restart works...it usually does. 

It's not just computers, I also dont understand super computers, televisions, television remotes, half time shows, or large hadron colliders.