Possessions

Many people will define themselves by their possessions.  Who they are is what they have.  They're always saying
"I have a nice car"
"I have a huge TV"
"I have a beautiful wife"
And before you go on about how wives aren't possessions, keep in mind the hypothetical couple in that last example are republican.

Other people refuse to let physical objects define themselves.  They are more focused on whats inside.  They say stuff like
"I'm extremely poor"
"Which way to the bus stop?"
"Can I have some food?"

Personally I like to gear my possessions around the possibility that I might one day get amnesia.  Dazed and confused in my apartment I would find a grappling hook and night vision goggles.
"I must be a spy!" I would think, "That would explain the shitty apartment...I'm undercover!"  I like to put up fake to-do lists so that very stressful moment of 'Who am I?!' is eased by thoughts of awesomeness.

To Do:
1. Save America's Freedom
2. Send Jenkins to wash the Mercedes
3. Call Lucy Lawless back
4. Accept Nobel prize for video games
5. Know that deep within you lies the dormant spirit of an ancient creature that will one day awaken granting you untold powers and a pretty cool sword.  And while the powers and the sword may both be really cool at first, you must use them to battle an evil so great that the devil himself cowers.  It will be revealed to you that your girlfriend is really a princess, who knows some pretty cool spells that might aid in your conquest.  There will a friend of yours who will also help, and while his powers are relatively shitty, it is important to keep him around for comic relief.  Together the three of you must fight to save the world from the hellish nightmare that this foul demon would set forth.


And if I ever upgrade to photoshop from MS paint, I will probably have pictures of myself doing awesome things hanging around.

My sister

is a hipster.

Army Guys

If you're me, or someone similar, then you played with army guys as a kid.  Everyone loved army guys.  They were the little plastic people your father wouldn't scold you for playing with.  They came in two colors; Green and Different Green.  The Greens were always fighting each other, which I think is because the toy company was prepping the youth for a race war.

Army guys came in a lot of cool poses.  There was "Gun-Shooter", "Double Gun-Shooter", "Flamethrower Guy", and my personal favorite "Right-In-The-Middle-Of-Throwing-A-Grenade Guy".  He was always squad leader!  There was one pose that was just plain horrible.  Army crawl guy.  This soldier was perpetually crawling, which made playing with him pretty difficult.  I'd always have to invent wild stories as to why he was on the ground when everyone else was standing.  Like in the base before the enemy attack.

Captain Gernadey:  Why are you on the floor Johnson?
Johnson:  I lost a bullet, I think it rolled under this gigantic pencil.
Captain Gernadey:  Oh no, the different greens have attacked, quick to the perimeter!
Johnson: I'm on my way!
Captain Gernadey: Why are you crawling?
Johnson: Well its not a race.

Of course every set came with about a million of these.  I always ended up killing them first.  Captain Gernadey would often manage to take out the entire enemy army crawl squad in one shot.  Why do you think he was captain?  Of course half the other guys would end up lying on the ground too.  The ability to stand on their own was not a highlighted feature of army guys.  These guys would do battle leaning against tanks a lot of the time. Sort of a half-loitering style of combat.

My typical fights were pretty exciting.  One side would always win with a brilliant strategy.  The only one I remember well is that one green side would often launch up a guy using a tank cannon to land on a low strafing fighter jet.  The guy would hijack the fighter jet, after somehow entering the cockpit, and turn the tide of the battle.  To combat the strategy, sometimes the different green would launch their own guys up on the plane using their tanks.  An exciting battle on the wings would ensue.

I was an impressionable youngster and one day someone told me that playing war was wrong.  That I shouldn't play around by making plastic men die.   What about their plastic loved ones?  Naturally I was ashamed.  So from then on, in the battle set up stage, I would make up a story how it wasn't really war, it was just some guys playing virtual reality war.  I was pretending people were pretending to fight.  Basically the same plot you'll see in Inception 2.

I solved bigotry.

My theory is that the gradual decline of racism is fueling homophobia.  And I base my hypothesis on the underlying principle "Haters gonna' hate".  In fact, haters aren't just going to hate, they NEED to hate.  From the attitudes of our grandparents, we can tell that in the olden days it was okay to hate on anyone who wasn't a straight white male christian.  Social norms have changed and now certain bigotry can ostracize you from many social circles.  The other day I was playing online video game, when a teammate of mine said "You play like a god damn brazilian"  He meant this negatively.  This is clearly a hater clutching at straws, desperate to find a group of people he is better than.

It is clear that hating is a problem.  We can't stop it, but we can funnel it.  The ideal goal is to get people to hate each other on an individual basis, like I often do.  However, for most people, this is impractical.  Luckily, I have a solution.  First, the government should invent a country. Zarachia for example.  Next an underground campaign will be launched to make the Zarachian people hated.  Got a Polish joke? Now it's a Zarachian joke.  Got an anti-Semitic joke?  Now its a Zarachian religion joke.  Got a dead baby joke?  Now its a Zarachian dead baby joke.

Secret government officials will be introduced as Zarachian families living discretely in neighborhoods around the country.  They will have mockable accents, comedic language, and bizarre rituals no one can understand.  The government officials will try to be all the negative stereotypes more so then the present holders of those stereo types.  They will be covetous, lying thieves who cant drive.  They will  be stupid loud drunks.  Anytime the police have an unsolved crime, they will tell the public it was a Zarachian.  This should bring up some of the grass root hating that is so vital when you are trying to undermine an entire people.

By creating a group bigots of all types can hate, this should lessen the hate on real people.  Critics will say that the solution should focus on eliminating senseless hate, not misdirecting it.  Others might say anyone with a map would be able to see through the plan.  But let us think of the lightning rod.

The 1700's had a problem.  Lightning was fucking up shit.  Many inventors tried to eliminate lightning all together.  Hah, what fools.  Ben Franklin invented the lightning rod.  Or I guess you could say he found a different use for a metal stick.  Either way, the important thing is he didnt stop lightning, he misdirected it.

In regard to the "Made up country" issue, consider the venn diagram I made of Bigotrous Desires vs. Geographical Awareness.
   O   O

Computers

I'm like a nerd but without the intelligence. People will say to me "Hey, you lack social skills and fashion sense, will you help me fix my computer?"  Eager to maintain the illusion I have redeeming qualities, I comply. 
"What are your specs?"
"Describe your last megabyte."
"Wheres your RAM go when no ones looking?"
I ask hoping they don't know the answers so I can smile condescendingly.  Then I fiddle with their computer.  Pressing buttons and frowning.  "Hmm, did you mess with your settings here?" I ask accusingly pointing to a random window. 
"No, no!"
"Well I've adjusted the calibrations, if I just restart the computer it should work now."  Then I just pray a restart works...it usually does. 

It's not just computers, I also dont understand super computers, televisions, television remotes, half time shows, or large hadron colliders.

cool people

I don’t have a degree in psychology and was surprised to find that that fact didn’t directly stop me from making sweeping generalities of all mankind.  The first is that people are terrible.  The second, and more important, says that anything a person sees being done increases the odds of that person doing it too.   In other words every action is contagious.  If you whisper to someone, they are likely to whisper back.  If you punch someone in the face, they’re likely to punch you right back.  And if two pieces of anecdotal evidence isn’t enough to establish a general rule, then let it be said I’ve learned nothing from political debate.  

If people see something being done enough, eventually they want to try it themselves.  Why do you think sex is so popular?  Of course a lot of it depends how much the person doing the action is admired.  If your favorite band all has purple hair, then you're more likely to dye your hair purple than if your boss had purple hair.  People are constantly looking up at cooler people to see how they should act.  Those people in turn look up to even cooler people.  And so on.  

This system has been a part of every  major society for centuries.  Take ancient Egypt.  The pharaoh was the coolest guy in town.  He had all the latest gold hats, and an army of slaves.  Plus his dad had a huge pyramid and was dead so the pharaoh probably threw sweet parties all the time.  The pharaoh had a whole system worked out where even after death, he would remain pretty cool.  Egyptians looked to him and thought "Man, that guy is cool! I want my brain pulled out from my nose too!"


Being cool is great, but climbing the social ladder can be difficult.  The key is to quietly just do what the cool people are doing.  Eventually people above you will make a mistake and demonstrate individualism, dooming them to obscurity.  If you remain steadfast in your goal to follow the cool people, you will rise as more of these "individuals" fall.  Eventually you will have achieved coolness.  You can use your coolness to dictate the actions of those below you.  Your minions so to speak.  But be careful!  If you start using your minions in a way that is too different than the way the other cool people are, your cool power may be called into question, and then you'll be back to square one.

Making fun of twilight

Making fun of Twilight is like beating up a six year old.  It's not that hard. . . no one's that impressed. . . and the people who liked the six year old before you beat him up still like him after.

New Law

I think that worker morale and customer civility would both be improved if every employee was allowed to taser one person at work per year.

Life isn't fair

National Lottery Winners Convention

National Statistic Majors Convention 

What I mean by "Life isn't fair" is that some people are just naturally good at art, but all I can do well is stop time :(

Diseases

Think of the most irritating people you know, and then think of the most talkative people you know.  Are they the same people?  I have no way of knowing how you answered because this communication isn’t verbal, but if we were together you could have said “yes” and I would have been irritated because you’re so talkative.   

Like it or not, people are going to talk to you.  It won’t always be interesting subjects like the best way to beat a dungeon.  In fact most of the things people tell you have no bearing on you whatsoever.  People want to tell you about their vacations, diseases and marital problems. They want to discuss the weather and tell you stories about people you’ve never met.  Communication exists so that people can exchange important information or ideas but at first glance it seems that these topics fail to satisfy the “important” qualification.  Today we'll learn why people want to tell you about their diseases.

People have an inherent need to tell you of their ills, their family and friends’ ills, and their co-worker’s ills whether or not you have a medical license.  In theory this could be a very beneficial practice.

Ideal:
Fertile member of the opposite sex: Oh my god I was so worried, last night my dad had a heart attack, thank god he’s okay!
You:  Thank you.  I will be sure to keep your family’s history of heart disease in mind when considering you for a potential mate.

Reality:
Elderly stranger: I have a horrible skin disease, but don’t take my word for it, here let me take off my shirt.
You: That won’t be necessary as you can no longer bear children.  Your condition is not relevant.
Elderly stranger: Too late! Also, check out my ear hair.

                Although it seems odd, there are several reasonable possibilities as to why people share their unpleasant illnesses with you.

Playing the odds.  ‘If I tell enough people about my toe fungus, eventually I will tell an off duty doctor and score a free diagnosis.’
Insulting you. ‘I’m sick and contagious but I don’t care enough about your health to avoid you.’
Attempting to get free medicine. ‘Boy have I got a terrible cough, if only I had some cough drops, then I might not hack phlegm all over your belongings.
Excuses.  ‘I’m not feeling well so anything I’ve done in the recent past or anything I’m doing now may be horrible but you can’t blame me’

                Not often specified by the ill, which message they’re sending can be difficult to determine.   Next time someone you know tells you of their woes, try determining what they are really saying instead of thinking how uninteresting others illnesses are.  Do they not like you? Do they want your medication?  With practice you can find the message behind the sickness.